The unexpected pregnancy test

While I was cleaning up some folders, I found one loaded with photos. All photos of a pregnancy test and the box, taken from various angles.

I was like … WTF?! What was this fr– OHHHH right. That.

They weren’t from the time I got a positive test that ended being our son.

They weren’t from the time I got a positive test that ended up being our daughter, either.

(The blog archives tell me I also used to take tests for funsies, apparently. These photos weren’t from any of those times.)

The pregnancy test photos were from the time, just two years ago, that I had to take a pregnancy test because MY DAMN IUD FELL OUT.

Yes, you read that correctly. The annoying little pinchy whatever that was supposed to be a totally effective birth control? CAME OUT OF MY BODY WHEN IT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO, meaning I could have gotten pregnant without wanting to.

I realized I never did really blog about my IUD nightmare, so let me sum it up quickly:

Heather vs. The Evil IUD

Act I: 

  • Heather has an awesome OBGYN who loves IUDs and thinks they’re freaking incredible.
  • Heather reads lots of positive reviews from people who love their IUDs. They sound pretty great. She’s into it.
  • Heather goes for six-week postpartum appointment after having her second (final) baby and brings along the IUD she picked up from the pharmacy.
  • Young Medical Student or Whatever attempts to stick IUD into Heather and it’s awful with many tears and it has to be halted.
Act II: 
  • Heather yet again attempts to get the damn IUD people keep raving about (it rhymes with Yer-aye-na) but goes to a different OBGYN who gives her “cervix-opening” pills to take. (After Heather reminds them tearfully that she was never EXPANDED down there and that was clearly the problem during Act I.)
  • Second OBGYN gets it in just fine! A pinch, as promised. Well, OK, more than a pinch, but at least the drama was over. *Dramatic foreshadowing music*
Act III (a few months later): 
  • Heather has a funny feeling DOWN THERE.
  • What is it? Why, it’s a little pinchy plastic thing!
  • Heyyyyy, she knows what that is!
  • It’s supposed to be UP THERE, doing its job.
  • Which means if it’s just been floating around up there …
  • … then …
  • OMGGGGG!
Act IV: 
  • Heather refrains from doing THAT, of course, because she could 100% get pregnant if her husband even looks at her.
  • Heather goes back to the second OBGYN in a fury, waving the little plastic thing around (in a baggie because, ew) and dramatically retelling what happened.
  • OBGYN shrugs and doesn’t seem to care.
  • OBGYN infuriates Heather by saying “this happens.”
  • OBGYN further terrifies Heather by telling her to “go for a blood test” the next day to see if she is PREGNANT.
  • Heather, of course, can’t wait until the next day and runs out of his office to buy a home pregnancy test immediately.
  • It is negative (so is the blood test) but she is still furious with IUDs and anyone who recommends them.
The End
 
So that happened! I had an IUD for a couple of months, and then I didn’t have one anymore. And who knows how long it was floating around in there, NOT DOING ITS JOB?
Now, when you’re on the Pill, you can feel pretty safe knowing you’re not going to get pregnant as long as you’re taking it properly. The Pill has its issues, I’ve heard, but I was always very happy with it.
With an IUD, however, you are basically rolling the dice and saying “Well, I hope it stays where it’s supposed to say!” I learned the hard way that it CAN and DOES come out sometimes, and maybe was never really in properly in the first place.
 
It’s strange because I know a lot of people who LOVE them and a lot of people who HATE them (and have had similar situations). I guess the Pill is the same, just not quite to this degree. Seriously, it’s like mixing your birth control pills up with a bunch of Tic Tacs and blindly taking one every morning!
These days, of course, I’m definitely not going to get pregnant. (If you’re new here, I had a surprise hysterectomy at 31. It was quite a ride.) I don’t need birth control and that’s pretty sweet.
But I’ll also tell anybody who will listen, anytime an IUD or birth control comes up in conversation, because I don’t want anyone else to go through the screwy mind-melt that is an IUD.
What do you think? Do you have/have you had an IUD? Was it the devil? Or am I just a weirdo who expelled that little thing on purpose because I do love to pee on sticks?
 
xo

The crazy-quilt gallery wall

You guys know I LOVE a good gallery wall. I have a bunch in the house and they’re kind of my jam. Typically, my gallery walls use frames that are all the same colour (white or black) with two to three inches of spacing between each item. It’s a formula I know and love.

But this week I’m showing you a different kind . . . and it’s a lot crazier!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It all started with a 45-inch wide space between two doors in our basement. It’s pretty much a wall of nothing but doors — my office, the bathroom and the laundry room — and it was really bland. I couldn’t hang one large item there because of a light switch and a thermostat smack in the middle (except, weirdly, not in any kind of alignment with each other).

It was a segment of wall that most sane homeowners would probably leave blank. Ahem.

Over the past couple of years I used the spot to hang our DIY ruler growth chart (one of the very first projects featured in My Handmade Home) and a couple of small canvases. It felt awkward but I didn’t think I could do much about it.

A couple of months ago I decided to go all in with this 45-inch chunk of wall. ALL IN. I was going to fill every single inch between the doors and make the craziest gallery wall in the history of gallery walls.

Continue reading in my weekly DIY column, My Handmade Home …

Rapunzel is the new Beyonce

The following is sponsored conversation with Put Me In The Story. All opinions and crumb-covered tabletops, as always, are my own. 

 ***

We are Disney princess fans in a big way. Not just our four-year-old — ALL OF US. (I suppose my husband is more of a passive fan, so … OK, definitely THREE OF US.) These kids cut their teeth on my dusty old Disney VHS tapes because I couldn’t wait to stop watching Treehouse start watching the good stuff.

So when Put Me In The Story asked if we wanted to review their latest book, and it was ALL ABOUT DISNEY PRINCESSES OMGGGG I think you know what we said!

Let’s start with the dedication page, because that’s always a perfect excuse to be mushy …

What I love about these custom books is that they take a grand total of three minutes to order — start to finish. Punch in your kid’s name, upload a photo or two, weep over your dedication and BAM. You’re done.

What really sold me about this book is that it’s not a sappy “she went into the garden to play fetch with her kitten” namby-pamby Disney Princess book. (We have those. The kids like them. I do not.) It’s a REAL book that talks about — spoiler alert — actual character traits that we want little girls and little boys to have!

Rapunzel is so bad-ass in this picture. I can’t even.

#slay

Mulan is one of our favourites — especially our son’s, since he loves all things ninja/warrior. Sadly, she’s often left out of “Disney Princess” branded items, but she’s got a prime role in this book! Yaaaaaaas, Mulan! #gogirl

Each page includes a question for your child to answer. C LOVED this part. She kept blushing and whispering her answers — unusual for her, as she’s a, um, bold type of kid. It was adorable!

I’m not normally a huge Cinderella fan, since it was made in Disney’s era of the princesses being a little … helpless … but optimism is certainly a good trait for Cinderella. God knows she went through hell. 
The last page is the sweetest, of course, since it stars my kid! (Your kid, naturally, in your book.)

Charlotte LOVED being called “Princess Charlotte” throughout the whole book, both kids loved seeing their favourite characters, and I loved the positive messaging. Win, win, win.

Thanks to Put Me In The Story for sending us a copy! Pop over to their site if you’d like to order your own copy — I see it’s on sale right now, so go go go!

Money, allowance, and paying extra for chores

“How about … $20 for the main level, $30 for the basement and $40 for upstairs?” our six-year-old son asked casually.

I almost choked on my tea. Keep in mind, we were negotiating a reasonable rate for the “extra” chore of vacuuming — not how much I’d pay him to scrub every square inch with a toothbrush while simultaneously reciting times tables and learning two new languages.

Our kids? Have no concept of money. All they know is that they really like it. Money buys Lego sets and gummi bears and Monster High dolls and slushies. “Coin money” makes the rides move at the mall and dispenses tiny servings of dusty candy in the machines by the food court.

When they get money as a gift, it’s the greatest thing ever. They delight in carrying it into the store — or, more often, handing it to me in exchange for using my credit card to buy a special toy online. I can’t really blame them here, because it’s nice to choose something yourself. It’s just that I wonder if they’re a little *too* fixated on money?

I didn’t get an allowance as a kid. My mom said she’d either give me allowance and the money train would stop, or I wouldn’t get allowance and she’d continue to pay for things like treats video rentals and trips to the movies. I happily shut up about allowance — I already had the better deal.

We’ve decided, though, to start giving our kids a weekly allowance. Four dollars for the four-year-old and six dollars for the six-year-old.

We discussed the chores they need to do each week in order to earn that allowance — make their beds, keep their rooms clean, put their clean laundry away — and they know they won’t see the money if they don’t stick with those basic chores.

(As someone who doesn’t mind doing laundry but LOATHES putting it away, I’m pretty excited I get to outsource this job, finally.)

Our six-year-old, though, was not entirely pleased with the idea of six whole dollars every single week. I guess he’s starting to understand the value of money, maybe, because he knows LEGO sets cost “a lot of dollars.” Certainly more than six.

That’s when we started discussing “extra” chores. I said I wouldn’t put a set dollar value on a chore until I assigned it, but promised I could come up with a list of chores if they felt compelled to earn a little more cash one week. Vacuuming, sure — they could do that sometimes for a couple of bucks. (Not, as my son suggested, $90 for all three levels.)

I scribbled a quick list of chores they could probably handle, and now I’m kind of looking forward to assigning them. They could clean all of the junk out of the minivan and vacuum up the crumbs — that would be nice, actually. They could take the compost out for me (ew, ew) if they really wanted a buck or two. I’d be teaching them the value of working for a dollar, right?

We’ll see how long the allowance system actually lasts — and who cracks first, me or the kids. In the meantime, I’m going to daydream up some really nasty household chores to see how far they’ll go to earn that pricy Playmobil set.

This could get interesting.

DIY open-air playhouse + storage

This week on Stranger Woodworking Things, you’ll see how I built an entire house because I was tired of stepping on plastic fruit and naked babydolls.

It all started with a need for better toy storage. The longer I’m in this parenting gig, the more I realize that toys are best divided into zones. Sometimes, like in this case, you need to build the whole damn zone and direct them to it.

We were constantly rotating our daughter’s plastic play kitchen between her bedroom and the basement, while her doll cradle and highchair were sometimes two levels away. What happened when her dolls were hungry! Where should the bottles and bowls go — with the dolls or with the kitchen? It was total anarchy.

The worst part was the “stuff” that accompanied the dolls and the kitchen. I tried different storage bins but it was always a mess. Our daughter is not known for her cleaning skills — she’s more of a “dump and run” girl — and it drove me crazy. Instead of lidded bins that never seemed to get used, she needed a system that was even easier.

I rounded up a bunch of white shelves from an old bookcase we’d taken apart months ago and started seeing how they’d fit together. Armed with my new favourite toy, the brad-nailer, I built two tall bins and a third (with a hinged lid) to stack on the top. It was the perfect way to play around with making furniture because everything was already cut down to manageable sizes.

I prettied them up by glueing on a few laser-cut wooden frames and monograms, and painted the whole cabinet a pretty shade of mint (Fusion Mineral Paint in Ceramic Green.) My chalkboard paint had dried up, so I used a quick coat of dark grey (Fusion Mineral Paint in Ash) inside the frames to make little chalkboard labels for “Food & Dishes” and “Clothes & Bedding.”

Now, I could have stopped with the cabinet. I could have arranged it next to the play kitchen, cradle and high chair and called it a day. But I was deep into the Serial podcast and wanted to keep going. I wanted to build a whole house! …

Continue reading in my weekly DIY column, My Handmade Home …

 Continue reading in my weekly DIY column, My Handmade Home …