How it happened …
Thursday, February 4, 2010
22 weeks, 4 days pregnant
Wow, where to begin!
Just a few days ago, I had this anonymous little person inside of me, and now that I know — with 100% certainty — that the person is a boy, everything is so much more real. It’s not just a baby. It’s a baby boy!
Let me back up and talk about Tuesday — the afternoon of our 3D ultrasound. I was beyond excited to finally find out the baby’s gender. I got hopped up on orange pop, a Fun Dip, and Nerds, and I was literally buzzing by the time we got called into the room.
We had already arranged to pay an extra $25 for a DVD of the ultrasound, and I had brought two CDs for the music — one boy-themed, and one girl-themed. So after we met the technician and I got settled on the table, she said she would do a quick peek (while we closed our eyes), and then she would put on the gender-appropriate CD and begin recording.
I thought I was going to stop breathing while she fumbled with the CD player, and I waited to hear the song that would let me know if she’d put on the boy CD or the girl CD. And then, I heard it …
The song that has always made me want a boy, every time I hear it. I squealed, completely out of shock and amazement and “Oh-my-God-the-wait-is-over! I-actually-know-the-sex!” relief.
Of course, Darling Husband was not around when I burned the CDs, so the song did not clue him in. He was all, “What? What is it?”
I cried, “It’s a boy!” and I will never forget the way his face lit up.
The next few minutes were a total blur. Tears were running down my face. There were three screens to watch, and I kept looking at all of them, trying to find the best view. The technician was pointing out our son’s (our SON’S!) teeny little junk, and saying that she was totally positive he was a boy.
I watched our little boy on the screens, as the tech flipped back and forth between 2D (the traditional black-and-white type of ultrasound) and 3D, and just stared. I’d had two other ultrasounds at this point (one quickie, one 20-weeker), but it was like I was seeing him for the first time. Seeing him as a boy, as a real person, not just a random “baby.”
And the lyrics just floated around me …
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new son
A new day has comeWhere it was dark now there’s light
Where there was pain now there’s joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy
The 30 minutes went by far too quickly. We got to see our little guy suck on his fingers (and toes), flash a quick “Peace” sign, and squirm around a lot. The 3D portions were incredible. We could even tell that he seems to have Darling Husband’s nose (and my fingers)!
We left the office clutching our DVD, a CD full of photos, two printed glossies, and a fistful of “It’s a boy” suckers — they were 3/$1, and I kept grabbing them until Darling Husband told me to save some for the other parents-to-be.
After some exciting phone calls, a quiet dinner out together, and a whirlwind showing-off-the-DVD to the family, we finally arrived back at our place. Darling Husband and I had a happy, huggy “Ohh-we’re-having-a-boy! It’s so nice to know for sure!” kind of minute.
And then he made the mistake of asking if I was OK.
As in … was I OK with the baby not being a girl?
And then the tears started.
I felt horribly guilty for crying, but I couldn’t help it. I had researched gender disappointment days before the ultrasound, and I knew it was normal to want one or the other — and that yes, sometimes you are sad and shocked at first when you get the opposite.
As much as I hated to admit it, I had been pretty convinced it was a girl, so I was dealing with the shock. And yeah, call me evil, but I had wanted a girl. Like, forever. And what would my girl-power crew of Mom and Little Sis think? Oh God, would a boy even like me???
While I was (and am) happy we are going to have a healthy baby boy, I also cried for the little things that I would miss. Frilly dresses. A girly nursery. Tights and hair bows and tea parties and dolls and pink.
Through my tears, I explained to Darling Husband that if we’d been having a girl, he would be the one missing certain things about having a boy. As awful as it sounded, he had “gotten his way,” and I had not.
Then Darling Husband and started talking about what it will mean for us to have a boy. I started picturing an adorable, sweet-faced, miniature version of Darling Husband. I saw stocky little arms and legs, and a face that lights up like his does. I thought of how boys always love their mommies. I thought of teaching him how to be a sweet, polite young man.
By the time I went to bed that night, I was excited about having a son. Yes, I would be missing the girly things like dresses and Mary-Jane shoes (at least for now). But that obviously wasn’t the plan for us. We were destined to have a boy — this boy.
And I absolutely can’t wait to meet the little guy.
5 Comments on “How it happened …”
Leave a Reply to Heather (Laptops to Lullabies) Cancel reply
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Heather's Handmade Life 
I'm so happy for you…and I completely understand the feeling of loss of it not being a girl. I definitely went through that. I felt like “that's all I know”, “girls are so fun”, etc. I pictured pink, dresses, “girly” crafts from Etsy, etc. Then to find out it was a boy I had a hard time with that. I knew nothing about boys, didn't really relate to them, etc. And the clothes didn't seem as cute. But then I looked around and found cute stuff (and not overly cute, with bunnies and puppies all over them.) And come on, is there anything cuter than a little baby boy in a cap with a brim? So cute. 🙂 And boys love their mommies…my husband is one of three boys and he always says that they're all closer, more protective and were more cuddly with their mom. So I can't wait for that.
I read a book entitled “Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different – and How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men” and it said that boys really belong to their moms from about 0-9, then when they can do “stuff” with their dads, they turn over to them, then when they hit high school age, they come back to their moms because they can share things with her that they can't with their dad. It was very helpful!
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Thanks for the support, Kate! It's really comforting to know that I'm not the only one who needed to get used to the idea.
That sounds like a good book — I will have to pick it up! I definitely want to raise a happy, well-balanced little man 🙂
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Congratulations! I am the mother of a little boy and we have so much fun. Wishing you all the best on this great adventure!
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Hi! I love your blog!!
About this post: I have a little girl. She was born in August 2010, 3 months after your son. I read your blog throughout my pregnancy. Anyway, I LOVE this post. I LOVE that you were and are so honest about it. I really wanted a boy, and when I found out I was having a girl, I went through all the same emotions you did. I'm ashamed to admit it now, but I think I cried for 3 days. And even though I ADORE my daughter now, I still talk to my husband at least once a week about things I plan to do with our son. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that during that tough time in my life, you're blog and this post helped me feel not so alone, in fact (obviously) I still read it, so thank you. Here's hoping one day you get the girl of your dreams. 🙂 Thanks!
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Thanks for the sweet comment, Ashleigh! I really appreciate it. It's so nice to hear that I wasn't the only person dealing with these kind of feelings.
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