I sniffed every Scentsy fragrance and I’ll tell you what they REALLY smell like

Our new neighbour sells Scentsy, which I’ve always wanted to try but somehow never made it to a party. I have hella-bad allergies to certain scents — deodorant with baby powder gives me a horrible headache, for example — so I knew I needed to sniff everything before ordering it.

Luckily, she has this cute little “borrow basket” so she brought it to the bus yesterday morning. It was like a million little lip glosses! Except not, as I kept reminding my daughter.

How cute is this?!

We spent a very happy 45 minutes together, unscrewing the containers and sniffing them all to see which ones we liked. I’d share her favourites but she liked ALL OF THEM with the exception of anything that smelled like coffee, tea, blueberries, cheesecake or pistachios.

(She thought this was the best game EVER, so I highly recommend a borrow basket if you want to feel like an excellent parent for a morning.)

There were a lot that made me feel allergic (twitchy-nosed, to be precise) so I won’t harp on some of those scents. I did make up some pretty great nicknames for them, though. (“Uncomfortable Aunt You See Once a Year.” “Dentist Who Gets Too Close.” “Musky Elevator Stranger.”)

I selected a personal favourite Top 18, in the name of OCD, since they lined up in a nice little 3×6 grid.

Meet your Top 18

Are you ready for this?

SCENTSY SHOWDOWN: ROUND ONE
*ding ding!*

Lemon Verbena: Pioneer school-teacher I can’t tell if I like this one because of the name. Remember in Little House on the Prairie when Ms. Beadle used lemon verbena perfume and Laura loved the way she smelled? Yeah, I thought you might.

Lemon Sorbet: Lemons and ice water. To my uneducated nose, it smells like like Lemon Verbena. I don’t know. Lemon-y. Mostly I like that my house would smell clean even when it’s not.

Amazon Rain: Limes and clean clothes. Pleasant but I’m not obsessed with it.

Newborn Nursery: Johnson’s Baby Lotion. Delicious but could possibly make you want more babies. Should come with a warning label.

Sweet Pea & Vanilla: Fruit punch. It’s fine but I’m starting to really dislike the name. I hate peas of all types.

Paradise Punch: Fruit punch, the sequel. I don’t like fruit punch but this is a nice fresh smell.

Sunkissed Citrus: My hands when I volunteer at the school’s breakfast program. I get very sticky from cutting up oranges. I love this smell but would it remind me of early-morning manual labour?

Toffee Butter Crunch: Werther’s. My house would smell like a grandma’s pocket. Might not be a bad thing.

Sheer Woods: Pretty girl at a campfire. I like it but I’m not sure I want my house to smell like a girl named Kristin who’s hoping to kiss a boy in the woods.

Oodles of Orange: Orange Crush. Delicious. I love orange-y smells. But do I want the house smelling like orange pop? Possibly.

Cinnamon Vanilla. Baking. Way more cinnamon than vanilla which is nice.

Mystery Man: Sexy man. This could be a good fragrance for a bedroom. Rowrrrrr. (No! Stop! Dad’s probably reading this. Hi, Dad.)

Southern Sweet Tea: That stores in the mall that sell candles. I think I like the name of this one more than the smell. I like the idea of my house smelling like a southern plantation, not Pumpkin Village.

Apple Butter Frosting: A coffee shop. I don’t eat apple pie or apple cake or anything apple-y, but it does smell nice. More importantly, it doesn’t make me sneeze.

Lush Gardenia: The bosom of the woman who tightened my braces. She’d basically get me in a headlock every month at the orthodontist’s office and this reminds me of her. Also of the Mandy Moore song lyric “I’m the one who likes gardenias.” I like this one.

Just Breathe: Gain laundry detergent. Again, I’m really bad at identifying smells. But this one is awesomely good without being easy to pinpoint.

Clothesline: Dryer sheets. I like this one, too. It has that nice clean smell.

Mariposa Lily: Victoria’s Secret employee. My whole house would smell like Sales Associate Wearing Too Much Makeup.

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SCENTSY SHOWDOWN: ROUND TWO

This is getting intense. Using only my notes above, I’ve narrowed it down to five finalists …

1. Bosom of braces-tightener. (Lush Gardenia)

2. Dryer Sheets. (Clothesline)

3. Orange Crush pop. (Oodles of Orange)

4. Pioneer school-teacher. (Lemon Verbena)

5. Johnson’s baby lotion. (Newborn Nursery)

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SCENTSY SHOWDOWN: ROUND THREE

I guess it’s a matter of what I want my house to smell like, right?

Clearly we’ve established that I don’t like the really fruity or flowery smells (hello, allergies) and the baking smells are just too “regular.”

(I own exactly two candles at the moment and both are labeled “Sugar Cookie.” I need something NEW if I’m going to break into this whole Scentsy world.)

BUT WHAT SHOULD A HOUSE SMELL LIKE? I HAVE NO IDEA.

Should I get a warmer for the kitchen that smells like something food-related, though? Should I get ones for the bathrooms so they always have that just-cleaned smell? What about the living room? Don’t I want something relaxing so I actually sit down and STOP DOING THINGS? I fee like the orange smells would invigorate me and keep me buzzing around constantly.

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SCENTSY SHOWDOWN: WINNERS

Let’s put our hands together for our big winners, “Dryer Sheets” (Clothesline) and “Bosom of braces-tightener” (Lush Gardenia).

I’ve decided to get “Dryer Sheets” for the powder room to make it all fresh, clean, and company-ready at all times.

And “Bosom of braces-tightener” will go nicely in the kitchen, I think, providing it doesn’t give me acid flashbacks to being a nerdy 12-year-old with bad teeth.

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This post was NOT in any way sponsored by Scentsy. I don’t think they’d like me renaming their fragrances after orthodontic professionals, anyway.