Helpful hints for spouses of pregnant women

Friday, February 26, 2010

25 weeks, 5 days pregnant
  • Our back hurts. It hurts a lot. Think of any moment we’re standing up, cleaning, as a moment that will make us even more miserable — and make you miserable, when we gripe about our sore back for the rest of the day/night.
  • It’s really hard for us to bend over and pick things up. So instead of stepping over the doggy toys strewn across the living room, please toss them into the toy basket. You, luckily, have the ability to bend down with ease.
  • The baby will not have horns if we drink an occasional Diet Coke or eat nothing but French fries for dinner. It’s very cute that you’re concerned, but please shut up.
  • When you are in the grocery store, and you think to yourself: “Do we need toilet paper?” The answer is always, always, always a resounding “Yes!”
  • When tidying up for company, “hiding” a basket of clean clothes in the bedroom — leaving them for your pregnant wife to fold when she gets home from work — is not cool.
  • Oh, and leaving dirty dishes in the sink — again, for your pregnant wife to do — is also not cool. Especially when you were off all day, and she was working. You will, without a doubt, get your head bitten off.
  • Pregnant women have a natural urge to nest (i.e. clean like mad and throw away everything in the house that does not involve the baby). Please do not frustrate this urge by leaving STUFF all over the counter/coffee table/desk/nightstand/kitchen table/every available surface. It will just piss us off royally.
  • The kitchen must always be stocked with ice cream (and cones). It eases heartburn, and it is delicious.
  • We are always right. No exceptions.
Fare thee well, spouses!

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