Top 10 reasons the first trimester is not sexy

  1. You will outgrow your pretty bras … until all you have left to wear is that old one you never really liked … and you need to wear it daily.
  2. You will put off buying new bras … because you’re sulking that they will not be the cute, underwire, padded bras you’re used to wearing. They will be tents.
  3. You will start to outgrow your underwear and see that the rhinestones that spell out “Flirt” are now more spread-apart.
  4. … which means, surely, your ass is bigger … even though the baby is still super-small. How is this possible?
  5. You will fear your ass’s eventual size … how will it look by the time you reach nine months?
  6. You will have all five of the Pepto Bismol symptoms … sometimes all on the same day.
  7. These symptoms will “ruin the mood” … more than once.
  8. … So will your copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting … when you accidentally leave it open to the graphic pages.
  9. Your legs will be unusually hairy … because going to bed early has eliminated those long, luxurious bubble baths, and your morning showers are spent hoping you don’t upchuck on your clean hair.
  10. You will wish you owned a long flannel nightgown … because after moisturizing yourself within an inch of your life (to prevent stretch marks) you will want something loose and flowing instead of sticky, creamy PJs.

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