This chunk’s for you!
I have learned that when you are a mom, your days are divided into “chunks.” Mine goes a little like this:
- 8 a.m. to 10 a.m. Baby Boy is awake, and we’re together.
- 10 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. Baby boy is sleeping. ***1.5 hours of productive time***
- 11:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. Baby Boy is awake, and we’re together.
- 2:30 p.m. to 4 p.m. Baby boy is sleeping. ***1.5 hours of productive time***
- 4 p.m. to 8 p.m. Baby Boy is awake, and we’re together.
- 8 p.m. until I fall asleep. Baby boy is sleeping. ***2-3 hours of productive time***
I have three chunks of time every day. Things are a little different when Darling Husband is off (because we use those “productive time” chunks to go out, do things, etc.), but on a typical day, these are the things I fit into my “productive time” chunks:
- Freelance writing
- Work-related phone calls and emails
- Cooking
- Cleaning
- Blogging
- “Me” time (reading blogs, watching TV, reading)
Lately it’s been a lot of the first two (and almost none of the last two). And I think that’s becoming a problem.
Monday was an especially rough day, where I was finishing a project until 10:30 p.m., and then had to spend 45 minutes tackling an obscenely dirty kitchen before I could crawl into bed. I’d hurt my neck/shoulder by sleeping on it funny the night before, so I was hunched over the sink in tears, thinking Why don’t I have any time to myself anymore? Why am I doing dishes at 11:15 p.m.? The answer was that if I didn’t, they’d be there in the morning, and I needed that naptime to finish another project. It’s always something.
I talked yesterday about how hard it feels to juggle everything sometimes.
I hate feeling like I’m counting down to naptime because I desperately have to finish a project/send an email/return a work phone call.
I hate feeling like I’m not fully with Baby Boy when I’m with him.
I hate that there is no time for me.
I hate looking at my crafty blog posts and feeling jealous that I don’t have time to try anything.
I hate that I feel resentful that this is probably the only maternity “leave” I’ll ever have (read: paid leave), and I am spending it working so much because we need it.
Darling Husband doesn’t like to see me like this. He wants me to start devoting one “chunk” of time every day — either one of the naptimes or the post-bedtime period — to myself.
I told him he’s crazy. That it will never work. There is always something I need to do, so therefore I can’t sit around watching TV when I have something hanging over my head. CRAZY TALK!
But then, on Saturday night, I did it.
I finished my work during the afternoon nap timeslot, and decided that when Baby Boy went to bed, I would watch Black Swan (Darling Husband was working — he wouldn’t walk a movie about ballerinas unless Vin Diesel or Bruce Willis was blowing them up).
I looked forward to it all evening, and was kind of giddy when I settled myself on the couch with a snack and a Diet Coke. It was like old times! The movie was great (although I was a little freaked walking down the dark hall to the bedroom), and I felt relaxed.
That Darling Husband — he really does have some good ideas sometimes.
So I guess the point of this post is that I am going to try to do this more often. It can’t be every single day — for now, at least — but I’m going to try to make time for myself every couple of days.
Otherwise, my head just may explode, and that’s not going to do anyone any good, right?
My Monday sucked … how ’bout yours?
Without spewing too much negativity into the interwebz, here is a brief list of things that are upsetting/frustrating/stressing me out:
- Finances. Oh, the days when I worried how we would survive with me being on mat leave. Nothing compared to the reality of mat leave coming to an end. We are very confident in our decision for me to stay home with Baby Boy (and do freelance work), but still, we are worried. Wouldn’t it be nice to win the lottery, too? To cover the tax bill that is lurking on the kitchen counter, among other things. Not a huge lottery. We’re not picky. Just like $5,000 or something. Please?
- The sale of our condo. We had it sold. The buyer’s financing fell through. Now we’re trying to sell it again. The market sucks. I’m worried we made the wrong decision to sell privately. Real estate agents keep sending snail mail pleads for their business, and yesterday one called me. Um, YES, we obviously considered an agent — we can’t afford one! I hung up and wanted to cry.
- The balancing act. I’m freelancing every day. I’m so grateful for the work, and I want to keep it coming. But I’m also starting to drown a bit. Some days I am keeping my head above water, but other days (like the awful Monday that was yesterday), it’s like I’m busting my ass to stay afloat but nothing is getting done completely, done right. Taking care of a baby by yourself is a lot of work. So is keeping house, with all of the laundry/dishes/cleaning/cooking/more laundry minutiae. I have to plan out every minute of my day just to get everything done, and the result is feeling like my life is one big Project That Must Be Managed. There is no time for me. Attempting to take time for me only increases the worries of #1. Maybe when #2 is resolved, the pressure on #1 will ease up, I can take a break, and #3 will be easier.
There — rant over.
I am trying really, really hard to get over these feelings of worry and fear and negativity and stress. I know we have so much for which to be grateful.
I used to have pity-parties all the time, but having Baby Boy has significantly changed my outlook on, well, everything. I’m more appreciate of things now, and I try to always look for the lesson in hard times — whereas the pre-baby (often selfish and whiny) me would have been all ROARRRR WHY IS THIS SUCKING SO BAD? I HATE EVERYTHING ROARRRRRR! FML!
The post-baby me is different.
More mature. More calm.
I am trying to be grateful.
I am trying to get through this.
We have each other.
We have our amazing, healthy baby.
We have a comfortable home that we can’t seem to sell.
We are paying the bills for now.
I just have to keep repeating these things to myself.
And being grateful for what we have.
When you buy your baby knock-offs …
… you get a pair of “BabyLegs” that have a tag like this …
“Use Everydoy, Needs Everydoy.
For All Person Wear Well.”
Say hello to my little friends
I’m spending today (and tomorrow) at an Emergency Childcare class! I’m excited to learn Infant CPR and get a refresher on emergency care, choking etc. It’s been a long time since the babysitting course I took when I was 11, so I think this will really boost my confidence.
I’ll tell you all about it early in the week. Wish me luck!
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