On guilt and half-birthdays
My baby girl turns six months old tomorrow, and I can’t stop crying.
I have been kind of weepy about her half-birthday all week. I know everyone says everything goes by even faster with second (and subsequent) children because you’re that much busier, and, yes, wow, it is so true. Whenever we start getting close to the 25th of the month, I start lamenting about how quickly she’s growing up. How it’s all going by too quickly.
When D was a baby, I was excited and awed each time he turned a month older. It was just another day to celebrate his amazingness and OMG did you know he can do THIS now??? But with C, I feel sad and guilty. I feel like I spend much less time with her. No, I know I spend less time with her.
D, being the oldest, had nothing but my full attention for 22 entire months. He still gets the majority of my attention, I would bet, since he downright demands it. Little C, sweetly looking around the room and just happy to be part of things, gets less. Younger kids really get the shaft, it appears.
She’s turning six months old, in just a matter of hours, and I’m trying to cling to every second of her babyness. But she’s about to reach that half-way point to toddler-hood. She’s halfway to eating birthday cake, but that CAN’T be right because she’s barely started eating cereal and sweet potatoes! How can so much change in six months?
She’s already creeping and crawling and hitching herself all over the room. She stands hanging onto her activity table or the ride-on car. She is steady on her feet, and if she’s anything like D, she will be taking her first steps in two months, and full-out running in just three months. How is this possible already? She has only tasted applesauce once! We haven’t even bought her puffs yet!
I was very touched by Melissa’s post today at Dear Baby. She talked about the guilt working mothers feel, and oh, did I ever identify. I know I’m extra-sensitive to C’s half-birthday because I’m terrified that I have wasted her babyhood. I know it wasn’t like I really had a choice not to work, but it’s still terrifying to think you have lost something you can never get back.
When I feel like crying I do cry over my guilt of working more than I did when D was a baby, or not being as present in her life, I remind myself of something important:
Yes, I am spending less time with C than I did with D when he was a baby. But Darling Husband is getting to spend much, much more time with C and D than ever before.
For the first two years of D’s life, Darling Husband never got to spend a lot of time with him — and hardly ANY time solo with him — because of his work schedule. Since C turned six weeks old and the work situation was kind of shaken up, he has been able to spend a lot more time with both kids.
On the mornings when I work, he is with them — playing with them and making pancakes and changing diapers and orchestrating naps. He is doing all of the things that I used to do daily, only now I am not there daily. He is getting special time with them, and we no longer have that constant aching feeling that he is missing out. That he is never with them.
It’s hard to keep that perspective sometimes, but when I do remember it, I feel better. Yes, I’m working more. Yes, I’m seeing the kids less. But they are getting to spend more time with their Daddy. They are lucky enough to always have Mommy or Daddy with them, day in and day out.
They are so lucky.
And so are we.
I pinned it and then I ate it
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| My inspiration came from Pinterest, and yes, theirs are a bit neater than mine! |
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| After I baked 24 cupcakes, I opened a package of Oreos are starting divvying up the “eyes.” We were one short, so I emailed this photo to A and asked if she thought one could be winking? (We decided on “no.”) |
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| You just pop on two Oreo halves (with icing), and put brown Reese Pieces as pupils, and an orange one as the beak. So easy and cute! |
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| Here they are on the table, ready to be gobbled! |
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| This picture was taken before we set out the food. There was lots of food, I promise! |
The owl cupcakes were a big success, and everyone loved them. I would definitely recomend making them — super-easy and very adorable.
Oh, and I also made another Pinterest-inspired dish for the party — those little layered Mexican dip cups. But I was a bad blogger and didn’t take a single progress photo, so here is a photo I snapped before eating a leftover one after the shower.
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| Mmmmmm, Mexican dip! |
Unlike the owl cupcakes, these dips were a HUGE pain in the butt. I used a baggie to pipe the cream cheese/sour cream mixture into the cup, and it got all over the sides anyway. Same deal with the salsa.
But they do look cute, and they were delicious — plus you didn’t get any grossness like you do in the giant communal Mexican dip. So damnit, I’m sure I’ll make them again.
This is what Pinterest does — it makes things look cute, sometimes it’s easy to recreate and sometimes it’s hard, but it doesn’t stop sucking us back in.
Love you, Pinterest!
xoxo
Split-shift parenting
Yesterday was … exhausting.
Darling Husband and I are accustomed to tag-teaming it with the kids, because he does shift-work and I freelance, so our lives are a constant juggling act.
But yesterday took it to a new level.
When I woke up, he wasn’t there (he was still at work from the night before). I got the kids changed and dressed, wrangled them in the bathroom while I took a quick shower, and eventually got us all downstairs.
I fielded a few calls to my office line in between bites of cereal and set up a few interviews for the afternoon. We were finishing up breakfast when Darling Husband came home from work. He took the garbage out, kissed us, and hightailed it up to bed.
I put the baby down for a nap, spent some special time with D, and then got her up and changed another set of diapers. Then I put on a show for D, popped C into her bouncy chair at my feet, and proceeded to interview a cabinet minister (it was the only time he was available).
After some playtime in the basement, it was time for lunch (tacos) and some more playtime in the living room (doctor, farm, and dancing to the credits of The Fresh Beat Band). Then another set of diaper changes, some milk for C, and they were both down for naps (while Darling Husband slept soundly across the hall from them).
I cleaned up from lunch, threw the toys back in the toybox, grabbed an apple and a giant bottle of water, and headed back to my office. I lost track of how many interviews I did, and how many emails I sent and received. It was busy. Edited a few articles, worked on a few others.
When I heard C wake up over the baby monitor, I passed the baton (literally) over to Darling Husband (who had just woken up) and went back to my office. He changed the kids and played with them in the living room, and heated up leftovers for supper while I worked.
I was pulled out of my writing haze when I heard C crying (loudly) from the floor above me. Darling Husband called me on the intercom to say supper was ready (and the baby was hungry). I ran upstairs, gulped down some food while nursing C, and ran back downstairs to keep writing. I was so close to being done the last of FIVE articles that were due the next day.
Darling Husband played with the kids, but I could hear D was cranky because he wanted me. When it got closer to bedtime, he doled out D’s bedtime snack (Cheerios and milk, as always) and fed C some sweet potatoes that I pureed the night before.
I sent in the last article, ran upstairs (hmm, I’m seeing a pattern — lots of good exercise i.e. stair-running) and helped him get the kids changed and jammied and brushed. Then he passed the baton to me, and I read the bedtime story, sang the bedtime songs, and said our prayers (while Darling Husband showered for work).
He kissed the kids good-night while getting his uniform on, I tucked D inx and then went into C’s room to nurse her. Darling Husband ran downstairs to clean up from dinner and snacktime, ran back upstairs to kiss me good-night, and then headed back to work.
I got C to sleep, went down to my office to pay some bills online, and collapsed on the couch to watch a recorded episode of America’s Next Top Model (while eating my modest little Weight Watchers portion of potato chips). I debated on watching another episode, decided I would just want to eat more chips, so ultimately went upstairs to wash my face and climb into bed.
Luckily, not all of our days are that nonstop. It’s hard on us to not get five minutes to talk, or just SIT without rushing around.
“Two ships passing in the night”? More like two parents passing on the stairs!
Stop! … Banner time!
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| I rounded up all of my yellow fabric and ribbon, with little idea of what I was going to do … |
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| I used a campaign brochure (sorry, buddy) to cut a template for little triangles |
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| I also cut white felt into rectangles. I find it easier to freehand-cut (?) letters when I’m working with pieces that are the same size. |
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| A little hot glue, a little ribbon, and BAM! Done! |
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| Two banners in 10 minutes. Not bad, huh? |
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| For my second banner, I grabbed some white cardstock and cut out some big freehanded letters. |
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| Gotta love Dollar Store clothespins. I buy ’em like they’re going out of style. |
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| A little ribbon, a few clothespins, and we’ve got another banner! I also attached extra baby shower invitations, since they’re so pretty. |
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| Just a few of the gifts our lovely Lindsey received |
Thanks for checking out my quick-and-easy banners. More baby shower stuff coming up shortly (yes, of course, I made a Pinterest-inspired dessert)
The timing of parenting
I had a realization yesterday that kind of blew my mind, so I know you are (obviously) dying to hear it, right?
Here it is:
I’m a bad parent at night.
But that’s not all! Nope. I figured out — all of a sudden, in a very ephiany-type moment — that I am basically a crap parent at night, but I’m a really good parent first thing in morning. And there’s more: Darling Husband is a much better parent at night than he is in the morning. We’re opposites, don’t you see?
It all made total sense, when I thought about it. We probably all have our “best” times of day, so why wouldn’t we have certain times of day when our parenting is more “on” than others?
I’m a morning person. I’m really happy to see and cuddle the kids, after not seeing them since the evening before (well, besides Baby C — I still see her every three-ish hours all night for feedings).
I’m happy to go rescue little D from his room in the morning, give him a kiss and a hug, and bring him back to our bed for a snuggle. I’m patient with him in the bathroom, when he wants to brush and floss his teeth alongside me, or watch me while I’m in the shower (creepy), or dig through the cupboards and stuff tampons into his cement truck.
I remain in a good mood all morning when I’m with the kids. I make his breakfast, I pour him a cup of juice, I sweetly ask what show he wants to watch while he eats at his little table. If it’s Dora (as it usually is), I don’t grimace. When Baby C goes down for her morning nap, D and I spend time together — playing with toys in the basement, or baking something, or doing an art project.
They both go for naps after lunch, and that’s when my mood seems to begin a slow downward spiral. When they get up from their naps, I’m not nearly as peppy as I was first thing in the morning. I’m exhausted from working all afternoon (and possibly the morning, too, if Darling Husband was around to be with them). Darling Husband is at work. I’m looking at a lonnnnnng 4-5 hour stretch of zero adult conversation, and lots of whining.
Some evenings are better than others, but you can bet that by 7 or 7:30 p.m, my Mommy Patience is going to be shot. I’m barking at D to finish his bedtime snack. I’m tiredly removing C’s chubby little hands from her bowl of baby cereal, and scrubbing it off my wrists. I’m picking up toys and cleaning up the kitchen (so I don’t have a ton of work once the kids are sleeping). I’m tiredly singing songs while they’re in the tub. I’m not patient while D screws around with the toothpaste and make a huge mess brushes his teeth. I’m trying desperately to not be a Mean Mommy when he has a tantrum over not wanting to pick out a story, but oh, it’s so hard. It’s not like my job is almost over for the day — I sometimes will be returning to my home office to finish up work. I’m crankkkkkky. I want them to go BEDDDD already!
By the time D is in bed (well, on his floor, since he won’t sleep in either of his beds these days) and I’m nursing C in her room, I’m very, very, very grateful the “hard part” of the day is over. A few months back, when C was in her colicky phase, she would be crying until 11:30 p.m. on some nights, so I know it’s easier now, but … still hard.
So yup — kind of a crummy parent at night, but a really good one in the morning.
Darling Husband, on the other hand, is not a morning person. He works late a lot of nights, and then sometimes comes home and watches a lot of TV before turning in. He doesn’t have that little voice that reminds you to go to bed, because you’ll be tired in the morning. No, his little voice says “Ooh, that was a good episode! Let’s watch another!”
So when D bangs on his bedroom door in the morning, yelling “Oh-pen! Doaah! Oh-pen doaaaah!” Darling Husband is not happy to hear it. He doesn’t like to be woken up that way (well, who does, really?). He is slow-moving in the morning, and once he’s up, he is a bit zombie-like for a few hours. He sits at the kitchen table with the laptop, or on the couch with his cell phone, and looks kind of comatose.
But! Darling Husband is a night person, so he’s much better in the evening hours. He doesn’t seem to get too bothered when D isn’t focused on eating his snack. He’s happy to play with him and toss him in the air, and jokes with him while getting his PJs and bedtime diaper on. He’s endlessly patient about tucking him into his floor-bed (seriously, the kid has TWO BEDS in his room, and suddenly won’t sleep in either of them) and making sure his stuffed animals and dolls are all swaddled appropriately (“Tight! Tight!” D instructs).
So from the sounds of this, I should be parenting in the morning, and Darling Husband should be parenting in the evenings, right? Well, that’s exactly the opposite of how it’s been for months and months now, with Darling Husband’s shiftwork schedule. I’ve been working most mornings (while he’s alone with the kids), and then he’s been working most late-afternoons/evenings/nights (while I’m alone with the kids).
However, as of today, his schedule is changing (for a little while, at least) and we’ll get to test my theory. I’ll be spending more mornings alone with the kids, and Darling Husband will be spending more evenings with them. Will he enjoy not having morning duty? Will I thrive on getting to spend mornings with my babies? Will this cure my cranky evening parenting personality? Let’s hope!
What time of day do you do your “best” parenting?
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Heather's Handmade Life 