Journal rant

Posted on July 28, 2009 by

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I’m sure I have mentioned it before, but this whole not-knowing-you’re-pregnant-for-the-first-four weeks is so lame.

How am I supposed to write in the first four weeks of my cute little planner? It has a spot for entries beginning at Week One …?
How can I write things like, “My, I am ever so excited, to think my wee spawn could be conceive-eth today,” when I don’t know when I’m clear to begin writing?
I guess you are supposed to either begin journaling two weeks before you could get pregnant, and then White-out all of the entries if it turns out you are not …
… or start the book four weeks into it, and try to remember exactly how you felt for the last month?
Somebody should be fired over this.

Love notes

Posted on July 27, 2009 by

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My mom went on a lot of business trips when Little Sis and I were kids. We stayed at home with a live-in nanny, so while our day-to-day life didn’t change much, we still missed her a lot.


Before she left for a trip, Mom would write little notes on napkins and stick them in our lunch. They would tell us that she would be missing us, and to take care of each other while she was gone.
I can still remember pulling them out of my lunchbag and shoving them under the table, where I could read them without my friends seeing them — because, you know, everything is embarassing when you’re ten.
I have done this on occassion in Darling Husband’s lunch, and it’s definitely something I want to continue when we have kids. Because even though the notes are something you want to read in secret, they still put a little smile on your face.

Sometimes I’m not sure we’re on the same page …

Posted on July 27, 2009 by

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While discussing possible boys’ names …

ME: What about “James”?

DARLING HUSBAND: Yeah.
ME: I mean, we both have uncles named James. And it’s classic.
DARLING HUSBAND: Yup.
ME: Definitely not “Jamie” or anything hideous like “Jimmy,” but just nice, plain, classic “James.”
DARLING HUSBAND: What about “Dexter”?
ME: Dexter … like the serial killer?
DARLING HUSBAND: Yup.
ME: Um … I kind of like it, too, but it feels wrong.

Taking a deep breath

Posted on July 26, 2009 by

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I know it was only our first month or trying, so I shouldn’t have had my hopes up so soon. But I’m only human, and I did. Hopes were sky-high. Seeing the negative test last night was harder than I expected.
I did some Googling, and basically confirmed everything I already knew. It takes an average of six months to conceive. We just need to try again next month. The important thing is not to get stressed out.
While I was browsing the TTC forums, it was comforting to read the stories and comments from other women who are trying to conceive. It reaffirmed that we are just starting out, and that there is no need to panic yet.
And then I saw a link to the most beautiful music video …

I Would Die For That
by Kellie Coffey

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn’t keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
Too young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I’ve been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We’re told not to give up.
He wonders if it’s him.
And I wonder if it’s me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won’t understand it
If it’s not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I’d give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it’s hard to conceive,
With all that I’ve got,
And all I’ve achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
“I love you, Mom.”

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die …
I would die for that.

How many lines?

Posted on July 24, 2009 by

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How many lines? That would be one. Just one.

I’m not pregnant. And I’m kind of down, if I’m being totally honest.
I know I’m taking it early, and the First Response package said it was only about 68% effective to test this early. But I couldn’t wait. I was so sure.
Before I took the test, I told myself that if it came up negative, I would test again if my period doesn’t start by early next week. But I really felt like it was going to be positive. And now the idea of taking another one on Monday or Tuesday … makes me feel like this is going to happen all over again.
I was so hopeful. And now I just feel sad.

I’m Heather Laura Clarke. I’m a writer living in beautiful Nova Scotia, I have a 15-year-old son and a 13-year-old daughter, I married my high school sweetheart, and this is the story of my handmade life.

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