Or really, I should say “this week is done with me.” It won. It beat me. I give up.
Someone I love passed away, far too young, and we say good-bye to her on Tuesday. It was only the second funeral I’ve ever attended and holyshititwasgutting.
I didn’t know when exactly I expected to lose it during the service, but it wasn’t when I expected it to happen. It was during the hymn about loving all God’s creatures.
Suddenly I was sobbing “She hated spiders!” into my sister’s shoulder. She nodded through her tears. “No, she REALLY hated spiders!” I was borderline hysterical at this point. How had I forgotten, until that stupid hymn, how much she hated spiders? It shattered me.
Everything else this week, while not as awful as that rainy afternoon I cried my blush into streaks down my face, was basically shit, too.
I said yes to things “to be nice,” and made my days harder.
I stood up for myself in an unfair situation and was told it wasn’t that unfair.
I took on too much and I did everything I set out to do, and it was awful.
I’m done with stomach flus and barf bags and changing bedding. I’m done with work drama and unpaid invoices. I’m done with emergency specialist appointments and agonizing waits at the pharmacy and feeling like I’m going to burst into tears if someone looks at me in public. I’m done with worrying if people I love stop breathing while they’re sleeping, and being so racked with anxiety at 2 a.m. that my hands and feet sweat and my throat can’t suck in enough air and PLEASE TALK TO ME DISTRACT ME I CAN’T BREATHEEEE.
It’s been a completely shit week, and there’s no denying that. But today the “Trolls” soundtrack reminded me that it’s nothing I can’t get through, get over.
I listened to the track on repeat as the rain spattered the windshield and she slept in the backseat, sick and exhausted from doctors and pharmacists and poking and prodding. The frigging Trolls soundtrack — I’m serious! Who knew it had life-affirming advice?
What if it’s all a big mistake
What if it’s more than I can take
No, I can’t think that way ’cause I know that
I’m really, really, really gonna be okay
Hey! I’m not giving up today
There’s nothing getting in my way
And if you knock knock me over
I will get back up again, oh
If something goes a little wrong
Well you can go ahead and bring it on
‘Cause if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again