12:30 p.m. Finish cleaning up from lunch. Shove three-year-old in her room and instruct her to read books quietly if she doesn’t want to sleep.
12:31 p.m. Put on load of laundry.
12:33 p.m. Grab water bottle. Sit down at desk to work.
12:40 p.m. Run up two flights of stairs to shush loudly singing three-year-old (shift-working husband is sleeping — well, maybe not anymore — in the next room)
12:41 p.m. Sit back down at desk. Work.
1:03 p.m. Flip laundry to dryer, start new load in washer. Resume working.
1:29 p.m. Run up two flights of stairs to check on crying three-year-old. She was stuck inside a sweatshirt. Again. Run back down and resume working.
1:58 p.m. Alarm dings on iPhone. It’s time to rouse the totally-not-sleeping three-year-old and get ready for the walk to the bus stop.
2:02 p.m. “No, you cannot wear your party shoes to the bus stop! LET’S GO WE’RE GOING TO BE LATEEEEEE!”
2:03 p.m. Walk down sidewalk to the bus stop. Retrieve five-year-old. Chase both kids back up the hill, yelling at them to stop so they aren’t hit by a car.
2:12 p.m. Open backpack and read note requiring a cheque that you definitely sent, months ago. Curse under your breath and run down to office to check bank account. Appears cheque was never cashed, so … who ate it?! Grudgingly trust school and write new cheque.
2:13 p.m. Learn that afternoon childcare is not showing up. Try to refrain from completely Hulking out in front of offspring.
2:14 p.m. Console self with chocolate-covered ice cream bar.
2:23 p.m. Shoo kids into backyard to play. Set up laptop at kitchen table with full view of backyard. Freeze in front of the screen door on chilly October afternoon, rather than get to work in cozy basement office.
2:26 p.m. Go outside to remind three-year-old to stay in the backyard. Sit back down and work.
2:32 p.m. Remember the laundry. Run downstairs to flip it. Sit back down to work.
2:40 p.m. Five-year-old screams. Run outside to comfort sore butt after impressively hard fall. Sit back down and work.
2:42 p.m. Go outside to insist the three-year-old stay in the backyard. Sit back down and work.
3:18 p.m. Three-year-old screams. Run outside to chastise brother for trampling her (one shoe is missing). Sit back down and work.
3:31 p.m. Go outside to INSIST that three-year-old stay in the backyard. Sit back down and work.
3:45 p.m. Wipe a small butt. Sit back down and work.
4:02 p.m. Break up a fight and lose your cool once and for all. Wake up your husband less than pleasantly and shout something about BEING A PROFESSIONAL and NOT COOL and DEADLINES and OMG YOUR CHILDREN as you storm down to your office and shut the door.
4:03 p.m. Spend five minutes calming down by browsing UsWeekly.
4:08 p.m. Work.
5:02 p.m. Pause to breathe after finishing three hours of work in less than one hour.
*Rinse and repeat daily until sanity completely vanishes*