A new kind of Freshman 15 … "Mommy 15"?
I have been struggling MIGHTILY lately, with issues surrounding exercise, healthy eating, and body image. Is it just that time of year, or what? What gives?
It seems that in every thought, there is the opposite thought — making it impossible for me to fully decide where I stand.
As long-time readers know, I joined Weight Watchers when my baby girl C was six weeks old and wound up losing 65 lbs. from my delivery day (although, yes, some of that was baby). I was breastfeeding hardcore, so that helped a lot (oh, how I miss it!) with burning calories.
When I finished breastfeeding C (when she was 16 months old), about 10 lbs. immediately reattached itself to me (boo!). And then I got a Mirena (more on that soon) which I feel contributed to gaining another five-ish lbs. (it can do that).
So right now, I’m 15 lbs. heavier than I was at my lightest (the 65-lb. loss), and it’s really frustrating. Why can’t I just breastfeed FOREVER AND EVER, because it’s definitely the most awesome way to burn calories that was ever invented.
Here’s my internal whine these days …
- Exercise: I enjoy my adult gymnastics class because I love chatting with the other girls (Girls? Ladies? Are we ladies? I don’t feel old enough to be a lady) and I love bouncing on trampolines. But I also kind of hate it sometimes because I don’t like getting sweaty and out of breath, and feeling so sloggy and out of shape. It’s like I FEEL those extra 15 lbs. I am just not an exerciser. I am not sporty. I am not someone who likes physical activity, as horrible as that sounds! But yet I know how important it is. I want my kids to love being active. I want my kids — and me! — to be healthy. But will I ever actually like it? Will I ever get used to feeling sweaty and sore-throaty from exertion?
- Clothes: I still fit into all of my jeans, but yet I also feel like I’m busting out of them — isn’t that just the grossest, muffin-toppiest feeling? I admit that if it wasn’t for wearing nothing but Reitmans Comfort Fit (not paid to say that — I just love them), I surely wouldn’t still fit into them some days. It is depressing. But other days they fit fine — probably the days they are stretched out, but shhhhh! I put on the right top (i.e. loose-fitting at the waist, tighter-fitting up top) and I think “OK, this is fine. I look all right. I’m tall.” I see other people who are much shorter than me, and weight a lot more, and I feel better about myself. Is it normal to be so back-and-forth about how you feel about your (pear) shape? I feel schizophrenic half the time when I’m getting dressed!
- Food: I struggle with food, lately. I feel like a sudden crop of eating-out opportunities popped up all at once, and I’m not the type of person who will order salad
ever in a restaurant. No, no, no. I want to order things that I can’t make (or can’t make well) at home! Chicken fingers and potato skins 4-eva, you know? I go back and forth between feeling like I deserve a treat (DESERVE, I tell you!) and feeling like I’m making horrible choices. I tried (and failed) to give up potato chips for Lent, and I have a lot of FEELINGS over that. More of the back-and-forth “deserving a treat” and “making bad choices” nonsense.
Basically all of my issues lately are stemming from a flip-floppy “Life is too short / Learn to live like an adult” type of confusion. Sometimes I tell myself that I’m doing all right, I’m still fitting into all of my clothes, and I’m enjoying life/treating myself. And other times I feel like I should be forcing myself to exercise more, I really would look better in my clothes if I could lose that 15 lbs., and I need to grow up and eat an effing salad.
Am I the only one who struggles with this back-and-forth? I hope not!