The shock of a lifetime

Leading up to our 3D ultrasound, I was convinced we were having a boy.

I went overboard convincing myself, actually. I didn’t want to go through what I went through last time, when I was really, really expecting a girl and then shocked with the news of a boy.

So shocked that I cried a few times that day, before I came to embrace it.
So shocked that I still feel guilty about my terrified reaction.

Obviously, now that I have a boy who lights up my whole world, I would have been happy to have another little boy. But that doesn’t change the fact that I wanted a girl, too, at some point. I always have. And having another boy this time would mean our changes for a girl would get smaller and smaller. After all, we don’t plan on having 19 kids.

So, basically, yeah — I pyched myself up majorly that we were having another boy. I wanted my reaction to be nothing short of thrilled. I wanted to expect it, so I didn’t have that “moment” again. I didn’t want to be shocked again.

The whole ride into the city, I chattered nervously to Darling Husband about how I was POSITIVE it was a boy, and how it would be so cute to see them play together, and how we wouldn’t have to worry about our kid getting pregnant at 16, haha.

Whenever Darling Husband made a comment about how it could be a girl, I immediately stopped him. No, I said. I don’t even want to THINK about that possibility. I don’t want today to be like last time. I can’t do that again. No.

I was practically convulsing with nerves and excitement by the time we got to the 3D ultrasound clinic downtown — the same one as last time. I was thrilled that we were going to find out, officially, and that I could begin planning for this baby. I was finally going to KNOW after 20 long weeks of wondering. I am not a good waiter.

In the waiting room, I tried to distract myself with photos of other 3D ultrasounds that were posted on the walls and stored in an album on the coffee table. I heard a burst of applause inside the exam room, and knew someone else in there was getting their news. I could barely stay on the couch, I was so keyed up to find out.

When it was our turn, I was on the bed yanking my jeans down right away. It was the same technician as last time (who is also the owner), and we chatted about our toddler and about our friends who had recently had appointments with her. One friend had been in that very morning, and learned she was having a baby boy (Hi, C!).

We explained to the technician that we wanted to do our reveal just like last time, where we gave her two CDs — one with boy songs and one with girl songs — and she checked the sex, then put on the appropriate CD. It was such a powerful moment when I heard the opening bars of A New Day and realized we were having a boy, so absolutely wanted to experience the same thing again.

The technician commented that it was such a cute idea as she moved the wand across my stomach — and Darling Husband and I closed our eyes excitedly. Last time she only looked for a split-second before removing the wand and putting on the “boy” CD. This time, she took a little longer. A little thought popped into my head that maybe that was because it was a girl, but I immediately made myself think of something else. No, no, no. Not a girl. Stop it.

I heard her rustling with the CDs and squeezed Darling Husband’s hand. I felt like I was going to explode with nerves. Was she holding the blue CD or the pink CD? Oh God, oh God.

I had made new CDs this time — since the others got lost somewhere along the way in the last two years — but all of the songs were the same. The first song on the “boy” CD was the same Celine Dion song as last time. The first song on the “girl” CD was Capri by Colbie Caillat, which starts of with a few twinkly notes.

I kept my eyes closed tightly and prepared myself to hear that familar swell of music from the Celine Dion song.

I heard a few quiet notes.
It sounded like those twinkly notes from Capri.
I held my breath.

No, it couldn’t be. I was hallucinating. I waited a few more seconds. I had to be sure before I let myself feel anything.

I heard a few more notes — louder ones.
I was positive now. It was Capri.

“It’s a GIRL?!?!” I burst out, half-asking the technican, half-telling Darling Husband.
“It’s a girl,” she agreed, smiling.

I think I shrieked. Or gasped. Or did something to convey that OMG SHOCK OF MY LIFE. WHAT?!?! I was literally as surprised as I would have been if she told me it was twins.

It was something I had not even let myself think was possible.
And it was happening.

I don’t remember anything else clearly. Darling Husband was grinning, but he wasn’t shocked. He admitted he’d had a feeling it was a girl, but he hadn’t wanted to get my hopes up.

The technician moved the wand around my stomach and showed us our little angel. Smaller than her brother, but then we were also at the appointment two full weeks (and two days) earlier than we’d been with him.

The picture quality wasn’t nearly as good, but I didn’t care. I could have happily walked out of the room at that moment. I had what I needed to know. We were having a girl.

We spent the next 20 minutes or so looking at our little girl. I was in complete shock. I felt my jaw hanging down around my chest. I just kept repeating, “It’s a girl … Oh my God … I’m in shock, oh my God …”

I couldn’t wait to leave so I could start making calls. I knew everyone would be blown away by the news, as they’d all thought it was a boy, too. I thought of my mom and sister, and how happy they would be when they cut into the gender-reveal cake and saw pink. I thought of how shocked my friends would be when I told them.

I floated out of the appointment and actually DANCED down the hall to the elevator. I had never been in such a state of shock and amazement — and excitement! We were having a girl. A GIRL! We would have a son AND a daughter. I would get to have BOTH!

Now how am I going to wait until April to meet her? …

xoxo

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