I want the Crayolas back
I am in a weird place right now.
And I think I can explain it with a line from a movie I watched yesterday …
“Things aren’t ever what you hoped they’d be. Not ever, for anybody. The only thing that separates one kind of person from another is there are some who stay angry about it and there are some who accept what comes their way.” — Away From Her
There are a lot of things about my life that have turned out the way I’d hoped. I married Darling Husband. Best Friend and I still have each other. I have maintained my closeness with Mom and Little Sis. And once upon a time, I was actually “known” for my writing — like recognized-in-the-dentist’s-waiting-room kind of “known.”
But there are things that have gotten off track, too. I always thought I would be a full-time writer. With the recent collapse of all things journalism-y, I have found myself in a new career as a Boss Lady. Sometimes I like it, sometimes it makes me so stressed out I can’t breathe, and sometimes I just feel broken … like I traded my Crayola-coloured imagination for a grey existance.
There are days when I want to scream, “This is not what I’m supposed to be! This is not who I am!”
I disagree with the line from the movie. Some people might choose to be happy in what they’re doing, and continue on that path. But I can’t.
I’m trying to take control of my life, to get it to a place where I’m happier. I want to get back to a place where I feel content and satisfied with my career. This doesn’t mean being totally happy or satisfied all the time — I’m not that naive — but for me, being creative is what makes me really, really happy.
I want to re-claim my Crayola imagination. I miss it.
“No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.” — Barbara De Angelis